As June 1st approached I was confronted daily with thoughts of my failure. My failure as a wife. June 1st is - well, was my wedding anniversary.
I was a lovely bride. I wore a stunning gown. I wish I could wear it again. (But it would be tacky to wear it again - right?) My husband was a lovely groom. We were a lovely couple.
And we failed.
I was a horrible wife. Compromise does not sit well with me. Monogamy also did not sit well with me. I was not a happy wife. I was not promiscuous. I did not sleep around. But I was not faithful. So I failed.
My husband failed in his own way but it is not my place to display for all of you what his failures were. He, despite them, is a good man - just not the right man for me. And I was not a good wife for him.
Marriage still terrifies me, especially after my three year failure. Divorce is legally easy with no children and no assets. Emotionally, it can be hell. I have moved on. I stopped loving my husband that way long before we separated. I know it was the best thing for us. He is dating now. I am a mother now. We have moved on.
But I still feel like a failure. I know I will try not to make the same mistakes if I ever chose to get married again. I know myself better and what I want (and need). I understand monogamy now and prefer it. I have a child now so my priorities have changed.
But what still hits me every year is the sense of failure.
Confession whether in the Roman Catholic church or any church has more to do with the confessing person's ability to forgive themselves or forgive others rather than the idea that we need God's forgiveness. I wish to ask my forgiveness - for not loving him enough and marrying him anyway. For yelling, not forgiving -and giving up. For cheating rather than confronting what I felt we lacked. For my sense of entitlement and my self-righteousness. For eventually not caring and being afraid to end it when it really stopped working. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me.
5 comments:
wow.
you are forgiven. Trust me. Your son is so adorable. Look forward...
believe it or not, I can relate to the failure you feel in regards to your marriage, since I am also divorced.
For me though I think it was immaturity. I was not ready for the responsibilities marriage creates. There were other elements that didn't help but I think that's the main one.
For me, feelings of failure used to come on October 1st. Though ex and I lasted 9 1/2 years officially, we were done way before that. We both have moved on. She is dating, and so would I if the right person came along.
I would also get married again to the right woman and like to think I've learned from past failure. Only time will tell.
You are fortunate to have not had any children when your divorce was happening. It has made my kids lives tougher, but they have gotten used to the situation.
I appreciate the fact that you do not list his faults here not because you can't but because it's not yor place to do so. Very respectable position to take.
Green...
YOU HAD ME AT BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!!
girl, you have to forgive yourself. i don't know what it's like to be married but my friends that have gone through divorce have told me how the trauma of it feels like a death and the feelings of failure.
believe it or not, you have emerged from this stronger and wiser.
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