Like looking in a mirror...

Praying differently?

I have always been fascinated with monasticism and prayer. As I have mentioned before, I once had a childhood fantasy of becoming a nun. I'm pretty sure the appeal is in the solitude and organized aspect of that kind of life. While for some that kind of regulation seems boring, for me it feels productive. If I could organize my life that way with the support of a community, I might get more accomplished. These days I have nothing much going on except entertaining a 16 month old who is oh, so close to walking. You'd think I'd get more done.

Anyway, back to nuns and monks. Even celibacy appeals, even now. With my firm belief that celibacy is not a choice but a gift, I wish I had that gift. To be able to channel all my sexual energy and all my real energy towards community living, social justice and loving the world as opposed to loving one person is one of the things I'll never have. However, I can only hope that I will find someone who will love me - and Tomas - and who I - and Tomas - will love, and that our relationship will enhance and better us so that we can do our part towards community living, social justice and world peace. Oh, and a second kid. (I really, really want a girl!! I keep thinking of putting Tomas in a dress, taking a picture and pulling it out whenever the girl longing pains my heart.)

But because I can't become a nun, and the world does not function in the measured time of a monastery, how can I live my day so that I take time out to center myself, ground myself enough so that I don't become paralyzed and lost in my anxieties and depression? I have thought of creating my own hours with my own music and my own prayers mixed with some of my favorite psalms and readings. This might take me a while, but I realized that as my seminary days grow more and more distant, the less I read that inspires me and that motivates me. My passion for social justice has declined because I am no longer around people who are motivated by those things. Not that the people I hang out with aren't motivated by legitimate things. Family worries and busyness is legitimate. I just wanted more for myself and I have let my seminary failure determine my life and that needs to stop. I need to find the old part of myself that I loved and update her to what my life is now. As I evolve, as God-lover, trendy non-granola semi-hippie and mom, as I figure out what it is that I really want and need (immediately, a shower - in the future, TBD), I will find an end to the run-on sentence that is my life and find some satisfaction and fulfillment even if I'm not happy all the time.

Slight rant

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I take issues with this statement. Many, many issues. But I’ll name just one.

This is the kind of statement that rich people can use as an excuse to say, “Well, it’s a good thing that the poor suffer because it brings them closer to God.” Okay, maybe two issues.

TWO: Suffering alone does not bring us closer to God. I do think that God is in suffering. Just because things are bad does not mean that God is excluded from it. Just like when things are good does not mean that God is there. HOWEVER, suffering does not equal good experience. Cross bearing SUCKS. It is meant to suck. It is not alleviated by the thought, “At least this will bring me closer to God.” Pain was not created to bring us closer to God. I am not in the God killed Jesus camp. Jesus did not die for my sins – he died because of them. Jesus would not have suffered had it not been for human crappiness – I can’t believe that is a word. Suffering is NOT a badge of honor. Suffering is BAD and should be eliminated. Will it be? No. That is not the point. The point is that statements like the one above make suffering seem like something holy and spiritual because it will “bring[s] [us] closer to [God].”

I think I’ll pass.

The Body's Forest

There was a time in my life that I would wax... down there. I was a "proud" albeit discreet Brazilian waxer. I went through pain and torture because... well, some might say for men, but really, for myself.

(Note: some of you may find what I'm about to say offensive. I don't care.) You see, I'm Latina. It's like being Jewish, only worse. No, really. It's THAT BAD. But it's even worse for guys! They can't find that place that they REALLY need to find in order for me to have a good time without a map or a strategically placed hand. Clearing the way helps. So really, it's more for me.

Now, did women used to do this 20, 30, 40 years ago? Or did they just not get what all women deserve? A really, really good time? Am I saying too much?

I was married to a guy who didn't enjoy T.H.A.T. I know, I know, I should not have married him. But for future reference, is it necessary? Or is body deforestation bad for the environment?

Because he's a little bigger now...