I give up

I've decided.

I'm switching back to Wordpress. I'm not sure why when I changed, why I went back to blogger. But I hate it. It gives me gas.

I will post my new address here so there should be little confusion to finding me... CR...

justbecause81.wordpress.com

F*$# A&$holes

I borrow friends' cars when they go out of town. I have done this many, many times. I use the cars to go do laundry, go to the grocery store, commute, go to church, get around faster.

Well.

I no longer have the most recent car I borrowed. I had it for a day and a half.

Thank you, assholes, for stealing from a borrowed car. There is no way you could have known. Next time you break a window though, try not to get any glass on the car seat meant to hold an 18 month old child. It was very inconvenient to me to not be able to pick him up. Also, try not to break any windows on days that call for rain. It's a rather shitty thing of you to do. Let me know next time you plan on stealing from me. I'd prefer to just leave the door open so that you don't feel the need to break the window.

God, G-d, Father, Mother, Yahweh, Allah, Whatever

I have hesitated on writing about God (or my version of God) because... well, what if I got it wrong? What if God really was/is one of us? Just a stranger on a bus? What if Joan Armstrong was right? Or what if I was right? Plus, what if I would be ridiculed by atheists everywhere? I really do care what everyone thinks. I have a no discrimination policy regarding my insecurities.

The thing is, I'm not sure what I believe. God and I have had a tenuous (SAT word!) relationship at best. The reality is that most of the time I call God a he and that irks me. God is not a maternal figure for me, even though I do recognize the maternal characteristics of God. And I know, I know that God is not male or female or human for that matter, but God is still this Father Time, old man, skinny Santa Clause image in my mind. The Holy Spirit image for me is much more soothing, maybe because of the confusing nature of what exactly the Holy Spirit is (or is imagined to be) - nebulous air? wind? breath? whatever?

I like the God of the Old Testament not because I like everything God does in the Old Testament - I mean, really, God does a lot of shitty things in the Old Testament and just comes off as a mean tempered, violent and without reason. The God of the New Testament reminds me of a Bill Cosby joke about why grandparents are so much nicer to their grandchildren than their children- they are just old people trying to get into heaven now. SO, the reason I like the God of the OT is because he is fallible. Yes! God makes mistakes! Some will disagree with me on this point, but that's ok. God loses his temper and throws fits and makes poor Job suffer for apparently no reason. He comes up with plenty of excuses for doing the things he does but still God could be a lot nicer - and he isn't.

God does not make a very strong impression in the New Testament as Jesus seems to become the main character there. So who is this God we all profess to believe in as Christians? Just the father of Jesus, the main character? Or is God more than that?

I think Joan Armstrong is right and wrong... God is the stranger on the bus, and me and you and the air in between. God created all and is all. Can God evolve? Yes. Can God grow? Yes. Can God change? Yes. Is God within, without and beyond? Absolutely.

Who is God? I don't know but I'll let you know if I ever find him/her/me/us.

Note: I am not writing a review on the second book that I read of my summer reading list, "The Changing Face of God". It is a compilation of essays on God and it is good, light reading, good for reflection and an introduction to several, more liberal theologians' views on God. If anyone is interested in it, I'll ship the book to you for free via media mail. Just email me your address to justbecause81 (at) gmail (dot) com.

Book Review: Contemplative Prayer by Thomas Merton

Thomas Merton was a Trappist monk of the Abbey of our Lady of Gethsemani in Kentucky. He was a prolific writer, who wrote about spirituality and was interested in inter-religious dialogue. I picked up this book because of my constant pursuit of the perfect way to pray.

Merton begins the book stating clearly that this book is intended for monks. He does not deny that this book can be useful for laity but the intended audience of the book are people in religious orders. Merton comes across as a bit crotchety in this book as if he were scolding all of us and our intentions when we pray. He states that there is no method or system for prayer - it is an attitude or outlook. He says "Meditation has no point and no reality unless it is firmly rooted in life." (p.59) He also differentiates between private and public prayer though he says that both can feed into each other.

Part of my interest in reading what monks and nuns think about prayer is the idea that they have these organized lives organized devotion to God and organized prayer times and the idea that all of these things require a separation from the world or the "worldly". But Merton says that prayer should not take us out the world but more firmly root us in it - it should connect us more to those around us and make us more aware.

Prayer does not blind us to the world, but it transforms our vision of the world, and makes us see it, all men, and all the history of mankind, in the light of God.

I enjoyed this book, particularly a mention at the end on the danger of religion when let it be superficial and dependent on political ideals. Merton describes very well back in the 1960s what is occurring today with the current administration.

Some of the chapters are boring as Merton goes through some prayer history in terms of the Benedictine tradition of prayer. However, this book is very accessible. This is not a systematic how to pray book but Merton has some very clear ideas of what constitutes sincere prayer. It also seems to be a very honest book of Merton's personality. I think I would have enjoyed getting to know him, scolding and all.

Six Year Non-iversary

As June 1st approached I was confronted daily with thoughts of my failure. My failure as a wife. June 1st is - well, was my wedding anniversary.

I was a lovely bride. I wore a stunning gown. I wish I could wear it again. (But it would be tacky to wear it again - right?) My husband was a lovely groom. We were a lovely couple.

And we failed.

I was a horrible wife. Compromise does not sit well with me. Monogamy also did not sit well with me. I was not a happy wife. I was not promiscuous. I did not sleep around. But I was not faithful. So I failed.

My husband failed in his own way but it is not my place to display for all of you what his failures were. He, despite them, is a good man - just not the right man for me. And I was not a good wife for him.

Marriage still terrifies me, especially after my three year failure. Divorce is legally easy with no children and no assets. Emotionally, it can be hell. I have moved on. I stopped loving my husband that way long before we separated. I know it was the best thing for us. He is dating now. I am a mother now. We have moved on.

But I still feel like a failure. I know I will try not to make the same mistakes if I ever chose to get married again. I know myself better and what I want (and need). I understand monogamy now and prefer it. I have a child now so my priorities have changed.

But what still hits me every year is the sense of failure.

Confession whether in the Roman Catholic church or any church has more to do with the confessing person's ability to forgive themselves or forgive others rather than the idea that we need God's forgiveness. I wish to ask my forgiveness - for not loving him enough and marrying him anyway. For yelling, not forgiving -and giving up. For cheating rather than confronting what I felt we lacked. For my sense of entitlement and my self-righteousness. For eventually not caring and being afraid to end it when it really stopped working. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me.

This week, Tomas had his first taste of real blueberries - well, frozen ones but blueberries not in a muffin or in yogurt but just plain blueberries. This was the result:

A lovely blueberry smile.

Blueberry fingers.

My friend's floor got a bit dirty despite the plate. We tried.

Look, Mom! Look what I did!!

I keep trying to figure out how to teach my son to say "You pay now, bitch!!"

No. 1

Have you ever held it so long that you really, really had to go and could think of nothing else but going?
About halfway on my drive to school this week, the sudden urge to go hit me. It probably wasn't as instant as I would like to think it was. But at the time if felt that suddenly my bladder stood up on my ovaries and made its presence known by saying, "Empty me NOW!!!"

Now, the subject of going has been on my mind because we are introducing "The Potty" this week. My child can now walk and while I am not forcing "The Potty", it should be there so that he can sit on it whenever and display some interest in getting out of a diaper - because those are expensive.

Anyway, back to my bladder. Three miles later, I'm cursing at pedestrians and feeling my eyes cross from the little elves dancing on my bladder. I (finally) reach a bathroom - while a choir sings the HALLELUJAH chorus in my head- and I enter the stall and I GO. (Yay!!!)

So, ever since I was in 12th grade I have had an interesting perspective in relieving myself. When my health teacher was asked what an orgasm feels like he blushed and stammered out this bright idea: "You know how you feel when you've been holding it for too long and then you go, the sense of relief, tension and then letting go? Something like that... but better.

Well, ever since then I've just been holding it for FUN. It's like a mini-orgasm everyday and I don't even have to spend money on a vibrator.

Summer Reading List

This summer I am going to try to read a book a week from Memorial Day to Labor Day. This is a total of 14 books. This time I am going to keep it to a theme. Though there are some slight deviations, spirituality and the practice of spirituality, be it worship or prayer is at the center of many of these books. My hope is to make this a habit and I can pick a topic every summer and become extremely overeducated on certain things. I might change some books if I find that any are impossible to get through. This happened once before with a C.S. Lewis book on religion. I'll be letting you know how this goes.

Date	Title	Author
5.26.08	Contemplative Prayer	Thomas Merton
6.02.08	The Changing Face of God	Fredrick W. Schmidt, Editor
6.09.08	In Silence; Why we pray	Donald Spoto
6.16.08	Praying with Body and Soul	Jane E. Vennard
6.23.08	Pedagogy of the Oppressed	Paulo Freire
6.30.08	Saving Jesus from those who are Right	Carter Heyward
7.07.08	The Way of the Heart	Henri M. Nouwen
7.14.08	Spiritual Direction and Meditation	Thomas Merton
7.21.08	Keeping the Sabbath Wholly	Marva J. Dawn
7.28.08	Peace is Every Step	Thich Nhat Hanh
8.04.08	Consider Jesus	Elizabeth Johnson
8.11.08	The Ignatian Workout	Tim Muldoon
8.18.08	Eat Pray Love	Elizabeth Gilbert
8.25.08	The Scandalous God: The Use and Abuse of the Cross	Vitor Westhelle

Norah, it’s not you. It’s me.

I like easy to like music. I like pop-like music. I can listen to Britney Spears and Fiona Apple and Metallica. I can listen to Damien Rice and Tegan and Sara and Psapp. I like Latin Alternative, Rock and Salsa. I like lots of things. I like music that is VERY EASY to like. I buy most top ten selling songs.

For some reason, Norah Jones is not my cup of tea. She writes astoundingly good songs. I want to like them. I really do. I promise. But for some reason I cannot seem to relax when I hear her music. The soft strumming, the easy piano, the airy, jazzy voice… AAAAHHH. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me. And the lyrics are so nice and I would love to WANT to make love to "Come Away with Me." Can you imagine? Outside on a cool fall evening with wine and a picnic and Norah Jones serenading us? Wouldn't it be great?

No, right? It. Would. Suck.

Because Norah, I'm just not that into you. I like a fuller voice with zero breathiness, unless you truly are turned on. Your voice just irritates me. I'm sorry. I really am. Because I so wanted to like you. Everyone else seems to.

So in the interest of marking SOMETHING off my list…

Who wants to start a book club?

 

Anyone?

 

Anyone?

 

I'll figure out the logistics. Email me here.

 

We'll read a book once a month, every couple of months. We can even post reviews, conversations, blackmail on our own blogs. It will be FUN.

Self-Awareness

I believe I know who I am most of the time. I sometimes surprise myself (in a good way) as I mostly expect the worst. Here are a few things about me, on both sides of the good and bad:

1. I have depression. I don't see a therapist. I should, but I don't. I don't take meds. I do better sometimes more than others. This is one of the better times.
   
2. I am a mom. I don't know how that happened minus the sex part. The actual being a mom is the surprise. That I feel like a mother and can love my son so incredibly and am continually astounded by him. It's a scary feeling.
   
3. About three years ago, I was married and could honestly say that I had not fallen in love. A year later, I had. At least I can say that I loved the father of my child. And now I understand the meaning of monogamy.
   
4. My marriage made me a worse person. I was a horrible person when I was married. Abusive, crazy, irresponsible, promiscuous, self-destructive. It wasn't my ex-husband's fault – it was a great excuse though. I know I am a better person now.
   
5. I can sing. I'm not that great, but I'm pretty good. I graduated from college with a music major.
   
6. I love cats and am also allergic to them.
   
7. I am uncomfortably Christian. It fills me and depresses me all at once. I wish I was a better person and know that even though I'm not, I will be ok. I only wish I was more forgiving.
   
8. I have great legs. The rest of me is questionable. But I really like my legs.
   
9. I am an extrovert. However, I can be an extreme introvert when very depressed.
   
10. I like things that make me look into myself and make me question myself so that I can maybe gather some more insight into myself. Self-awareness is more important than sanity.
    

There is so much more and I'm sure there are things yet to be discovered.

101 Goals/Resolutions in 1001 Days Part 2 of 3

I've exhausted a lot so if anyone else has any ideas I would appreciate it. This is where it can get crazy… just not too crazy.

101 Goals/Resolutions in 1001 Days

May 6, 2008 – February 1, 2011

1. Go back to pre-pregnancy weight.
   
2. Organize my files (and filing system).
   
3. Start (and maintain – for at least a month) a food diary.
   
4. Make a menu plan and stick to it – mostly- for a month.
   
5. Put up my Christmas tree.
   
6. Try one new recipe a month.
   
7. Host a party (not the same as seven course meal).
   
8. Join a dance class.
   
9. Send a letter (a real one, with words and sentences).
   
10. Volunteer… for something. Non-church related.
    
11. Lead something at church.
    
12. Develop a cleaning schedule.
    
13. Stick to it for a month.
    
14. Make my bed for a week.
    
15. Finish organizing the office/exercise area.
    
16. Develop a budget.
    
17. Stick to it (strictly) for a month.
    
18. … Three months.
    
19. Take multi-vitamin daily. (For a month – by then it will be habit.)
    
20. Tithe one month.
    
21. Organize closet in Tomas's room.
    
22. No dishes in sink by bedtime for 1 week.
    
23. "Learn" lectio-divina.
    
24. Learn about another faith. (Non-Christian)
    
25. Visit other worship service.
    
26. Hang all my pictures.
    
27. Go to Buckingham Fountain (tourist site in Chicago) and watch the night lights show.
    
28. Finish cross-stitch for Tomas.
    
29. Get a gate to finish child-proofing.
    
30. Learn how to play soccer (with Tomas).
    
31. Do a novena.
    
32. Take a vacation (the Dominican Republic does not count… that is visiting family).
    
33. Plant an herb garden, even if it is in my kitchen.
    
34. Blog four times a week at least for six months.
    

101 Goals/Resolutions in 1001 Days - Part 1 of 3

So I've seen this in other blogs and I thought I'd give it a try, except it is really hard to thinking of 101 goals. Here's part 1 of 3 and hopefully I'll be done by Friday.

101 Goals/Resolutions in 1001 Days

May 6, 2008 – February 1, 2011

1. No debt except for student loans.
   
2. Save $3000 ($3/day).
   
3. Not buy anything except food and toiletries for one month.
   
4. Finish my MA.
   
5. Finish my M.Ed.
   
6. Start seeing a spiritual director regularly.
   
7. Create a space for meditation.
   
8. Create a modern hour's liturgy.
   
9. Start (and regularly update) a devotions blog.
   
10. Spend a week with no internet.
    
11. Spend a week with no TV. (the TV and the internet will not happen in the same week)
    
12. Read the entire bible.
    
13. Make a recipe book.
    
14. Organize photos of Tomas.
    
15. Create database of books I own.
    
16. Get job teaching high school history.
    
17. Run a 5K.
    
18. Run a 10K.
    
19. Run a half-marathon.
    
20. Run a marathon.
    
21. Quit drinking Coca-Cola for at least 30 days (in a row).
    
22. Only eat home cooked meals for one week.
    
23. Take Tomas out to the park at least once every other week during the summer.
    
24. Create a reading time with Tomas.
    
25. Take a swim class for toddlers.
    
26. Start a college savings account.
    
27. Plan a seven course dinner party.
    
28. Finish NaBloPoMo one month.
    
29. Buy a [used] car.
    
30. Do not use paper towels for a month.
    
31. Read a book a week from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
    
32. Go to the Dominican Republic.
    
33. Join a book club.
    

Masters of Education

So I have not written much about the fact that I am back at school. Right now, I'm taking one class at a time because I'm lame that way and I did not want to over extend myself. However, no one told me that the future teachers of the United States are considered idiots and cannot handle graduate level coursework and if we want teachers with Masters degrees, then universities must not make the material too hard.

Mind you, I loved my professor last quarter (LOVED... if she wasn't married I might ask her to marry me) and don't hate my professor this quarter. I just think the classes are very easy and do not require much work. Class discussion is great, but really, when we get to bash the public school system and comment on how we would improve it then how bad can it be?

Last quarter I took a course on how adolescence was created in order to extend childhood so that there would be more jobs for adults... no really, it was Human Development: Adolescence. But truly, adolescent angst? A myth.

This quarter I am taking Education and Society where we get to talk about the wonders of No Child Left Behind and school structure and how testing is stupid and students are hopeless especially if they are low income. JUST. KIDDING. (sort of)

All in all, the classes are depressing and make me wonder what the hell I'm getting myself into. Oh, yeah, I want to improve the minds of our future generations so that we can slow our destruction of the world. Wish me luck.

This isn't really happening.

According to a professor I talked to recently, I should discuss what I am about to talk about with a therapist in Spanish because it happened in Spanish. I like thinking about these incidents in English because it means I can look at it objectively but that doesn't really work because somehow I can't get over it. Somehow, since nothing happened, I should be fine. I should get over it and move on.

Women, kids, men, anyone should trust their instincts. When that man, my dad's boss, suggested I go inside and read because it's air conditioned, I should have stayed right where I was. But I didn't because 50-something year old men DO.NOT. come on to 14 year old girls. In my mind, that was impossible. So off I went to read Sophie's World. The entire time he was trying to touch me, I just kept thinking, "This isn't really happening." I avoided his mouth when he tried to kiss me and I resisted when he tried to take me into a corner. I never once said no. All I could think was that somehow I was misunderstanding what was happening. That I was wrong and he wasn't trying to have sex with me. How could he want to? He was 50 and I was 14. Bless the person who walked into the office looking for him. I walked out and it was over. Nothing had happened. I was angry at myself because I never said no. So ingrained in me was the idea that grown-ups are never wrong that I couldn't say no because I couldn't allow myself to think that this man was trying to do something so vile. But I was ok. I got over it. I was fine.

Fast forward 12 years. I am great friends with this family from church. They have three sons. The wife has been having a difficult time since February because her mother has been very sick. She had to go because her mother was having very risky surgery and was gone for about a week and a half. During that time, I lost my job. I talked to her husband the day I lost my job and we agreed to get together the next day as my son LOVES their three sons. He squeals every time he sees them.

Without warning (looking back, there was some warning, but not the obvious kind) he made a very forward pass... a very physical pass. No prior suggestion that the marriage had problems, no flirting, no weird touching. Just a very sloppy full body press and some awkward attempt at kissing me while I AM HOLDING MY SON and using him as a shield. Did I say no? Of course not! Because then it would have been real. I have worked so hard to make friends and to create a community for my son and me and this a-hole wants to mess that up. I somehow managed to walk away from that situation with "nothing" happening but I was outraged... at myself. How could I not say no? AGAIN? How could that make me feel like I was 14? AGAIN?

I still hang out with that family. I did not say anything to the wife. They have three kids, ages 10, 8 and 5. She's a stay at home mom. I can clearly see the dysfunction in the family now. But this is the kind of thing where they shoot the messenger. So I hang out with them (I am never alone with him) and I smile at church and I feel ok most of the time. And I know that next time I will force the word NO out of my mouth because I am not 14 anymore and it's really hard to find an affordable therapist who speaks Spanish.

Like looking in a mirror...

Praying differently?

I have always been fascinated with monasticism and prayer. As I have mentioned before, I once had a childhood fantasy of becoming a nun. I'm pretty sure the appeal is in the solitude and organized aspect of that kind of life. While for some that kind of regulation seems boring, for me it feels productive. If I could organize my life that way with the support of a community, I might get more accomplished. These days I have nothing much going on except entertaining a 16 month old who is oh, so close to walking. You'd think I'd get more done.

Anyway, back to nuns and monks. Even celibacy appeals, even now. With my firm belief that celibacy is not a choice but a gift, I wish I had that gift. To be able to channel all my sexual energy and all my real energy towards community living, social justice and loving the world as opposed to loving one person is one of the things I'll never have. However, I can only hope that I will find someone who will love me - and Tomas - and who I - and Tomas - will love, and that our relationship will enhance and better us so that we can do our part towards community living, social justice and world peace. Oh, and a second kid. (I really, really want a girl!! I keep thinking of putting Tomas in a dress, taking a picture and pulling it out whenever the girl longing pains my heart.)

But because I can't become a nun, and the world does not function in the measured time of a monastery, how can I live my day so that I take time out to center myself, ground myself enough so that I don't become paralyzed and lost in my anxieties and depression? I have thought of creating my own hours with my own music and my own prayers mixed with some of my favorite psalms and readings. This might take me a while, but I realized that as my seminary days grow more and more distant, the less I read that inspires me and that motivates me. My passion for social justice has declined because I am no longer around people who are motivated by those things. Not that the people I hang out with aren't motivated by legitimate things. Family worries and busyness is legitimate. I just wanted more for myself and I have let my seminary failure determine my life and that needs to stop. I need to find the old part of myself that I loved and update her to what my life is now. As I evolve, as God-lover, trendy non-granola semi-hippie and mom, as I figure out what it is that I really want and need (immediately, a shower - in the future, TBD), I will find an end to the run-on sentence that is my life and find some satisfaction and fulfillment even if I'm not happy all the time.

Slight rant

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I take issues with this statement. Many, many issues. But I’ll name just one.

This is the kind of statement that rich people can use as an excuse to say, “Well, it’s a good thing that the poor suffer because it brings them closer to God.” Okay, maybe two issues.

TWO: Suffering alone does not bring us closer to God. I do think that God is in suffering. Just because things are bad does not mean that God is excluded from it. Just like when things are good does not mean that God is there. HOWEVER, suffering does not equal good experience. Cross bearing SUCKS. It is meant to suck. It is not alleviated by the thought, “At least this will bring me closer to God.” Pain was not created to bring us closer to God. I am not in the God killed Jesus camp. Jesus did not die for my sins – he died because of them. Jesus would not have suffered had it not been for human crappiness – I can’t believe that is a word. Suffering is NOT a badge of honor. Suffering is BAD and should be eliminated. Will it be? No. That is not the point. The point is that statements like the one above make suffering seem like something holy and spiritual because it will “bring[s] [us] closer to [God].”

I think I’ll pass.

The Body's Forest

There was a time in my life that I would wax... down there. I was a "proud" albeit discreet Brazilian waxer. I went through pain and torture because... well, some might say for men, but really, for myself.

(Note: some of you may find what I'm about to say offensive. I don't care.) You see, I'm Latina. It's like being Jewish, only worse. No, really. It's THAT BAD. But it's even worse for guys! They can't find that place that they REALLY need to find in order for me to have a good time without a map or a strategically placed hand. Clearing the way helps. So really, it's more for me.

Now, did women used to do this 20, 30, 40 years ago? Or did they just not get what all women deserve? A really, really good time? Am I saying too much?

I was married to a guy who didn't enjoy T.H.A.T. I know, I know, I should not have married him. But for future reference, is it necessary? Or is body deforestation bad for the environment?

Because he's a little bigger now...

I F**KIN LOVE THIS SHOW

Celia Hodes: Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks, and I gotta tell you, I feel great.
Shane Botwin: But you have cancer.
Celia Hodes: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So either we can feel all self-concious and pretend that everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.
Shane Botwin: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.
Celia Hodes: For what?
Shane Botwin: For telling me the truth.
Celia Hodes: You're welcome. It's a bitch, though, ain't it?

Weeds, Season 1 Ep. 5

And today... a Poem... by someone else

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

Beware the Ides of March

1. What are the Ides of March?
   

   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ides_of_March
   

   
    

2. How does one celebrate the Ides of March?
   

   
    

   http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-the-Ides-of-March
   

 

1. Can I get a full copy of Shakespeare's Julius Cesar online?
   

   Why yes, yes you can.

Seriously?

My favorite food

1. Food from home (as in the Dominican Republic)

There is a restaurant here in Chicago that serves Dominican food called Punta Cana. It's great!

2. Thai food

Again, it involves rice... I love rice. White, no-nutritional value rice.

3. Italian food

Again, it involves carbs. White pasta... yummo.

I am (NOT) ok

This blog is a medium for me to vent about how I'm feeling to an almost too honest degree. This is not a cry for help, not something for any of you to freak out about or give me advice about or be insanely condescending to me about. Unless I die. Then it's ALL YOUR FAULT!! (jk)

I think that I am going crazy. Functionality has become a bit of a problem. My house is slowly filling with stuff. Showers are too hard. I shower because I have to. I cope because I have to. I take care of my child because I have to. What happens when I can't any more?

Depression is debilitating. Depression really does hurt (thank you drug company commercials!). I am tired and apathetic. I admit it. I ask God to hit me with a bolt of lightning. (Thunder, so I understand, would not be as effective.) God does not listen.

Religion, faith, prayer, meditation (if I were capable of it) do not work. I'm sure exercise would if I could work up the energy to get my ass out of the house. Tomas is getting take care of three times a week. God help him the other 4. No, I do better when he's here because I have to, though there is that tiny bit of resentment that if it weren't for him I could just stay in bed.

Maybe I just want to go crazy... isn't that crazy?

Tired

I had a mini melt down today. Ok, more than mini. And less than sober. Last time I wasn't sober was Sunday but I wasn't that unsober. Today I was the kind of unsober that is meant to numb but it numbed me the point of feeling so much I burst from my I'm ok bubble and I'm so horribly unok that I'm making up words.

My Bad Habits

I'm only giving you three (I think I only have three) but one of them is not true. You have to figure out which is which!

1. I bite my nails. I know, I know, a completely disgusting habit. I've tried quitting and have been mildly successful at it. My nails looks nice long. They also feel nice when I use them on someone else's back... I'm obsessing, I know.

2. I drink Coke. I know it's bad for me, and bad for the environment and that Coke is an evil corporation that funds terrorism in other parts of the world. AND that it can clean rust off a nail. I KNOW. Trust me, I know. I KNOW.

3. I pee outside the toilet bowl. I can't help myself. I just get too excited and hyper and end up missing every time. I've tried to be a good girl. And it makes me wonder how I'm going to toilet train my kid in 1 1/2 years.

Well...

Too post to drunk...

(Celebrity) Women I love

1. Before she married Tom Cruise, before really bad horror flicks, there was Dawson's Creek and Katie Holmes. I loved Katie Holmes. I had a serious crush on Katie Holmes. It still hurts that she dumped me for Tom Cruise. Really, what does he have that I don't?

2. I decided that Brad Pitt was my least favorite person when he dumped Jennifer Aniston, as I had a mild, protect her from evil men kind of crush on her. Not the I would die for her kind of crush, just I really think she's hot and would do her... once or twice kind of crush.

3. While I think she's evil and only deserves a one night stand, I can see myself becoming obsessed with Angelina Jolie. A little.

4. I know she's a little mannish, but Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser turns me on. I don't know if it's her arms (which, yes, they are big, but I want them!!) or her commanding, bitchy presence, or that fact that I want her to yell at me... but yes, I have a thing for Jillian Michaels.

Others that I wouldn't mind "meeting":
Danica Patrick, the woman who played Anne of Green Gables, when she was that young, Hermione... when she's older, Amanda Bynes.

A Biblical List

By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
There is no law against such things.
Galatians 5:22-23

I try to remind myself that these are principles by which to live your life. But it is hard. The days get tiring. People become frustrating. Life seems impossible. But still days end and days begin. Life continues. And we must engage as best we can. Maybe I should lighten up.

Last three movies I've watched (or will watch)

1. Sydney White - This movie has Amanda Bynes in it and that is the only reason why I rented it. I think Amanda Bynes is funny (and hot! in a white chick sort of way). It was fun to watch and not the greatest movie in the world but it was a good time. Mind fluff is acceptable sometimes!

2. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Don't know how I felt about this. It was ok. Maybe I should have seen it in the theater?

3. Bad Education - Directed by Pedro Almodovar, one of the great Spanish directors. He directed one of my favorite movies, Talk to Her. I haven't actually seen it yet but I'll see it sometime this weekend.

The Men that I've dated

It's not that many or at least they will not all be included...

1. The Junior High Crush - He and I never really dated. We went steady for a month in 6th grade, then made out off and on all through high school. I was the girl he cheated on his girlfriends with. Yeah, I was THAT girl.

2. The High School Crush - He and I also never really dated. We just made out very heavily and almost... but never really and was the only guy to ever cut things off with me. He's the one "What if?" but if what if ever happened, I'd want to crush his heart into a million pieces. But I'm over it.

3. The Best Friend - I found out that the sex was HORRIBLE. I'm done.

4. The Soul Mate - But not. My first, his first. And then I became an evil bitch and dumped him. The End.

5. The Ex-Husband - Yeah... My ???, his first. And then I became an evil bitch and dumped him after three years of marriage, making me a more evil and devious bitch. The End.

6. The Baby-Daddy - Can anybody say rebound?

And who knows what the future may hold?

A List of Books

Since having a child I have not read much. But that does not mean that I do not TRY to read. So here is a list of books that I am TRYING to read for one reason or another:

1. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. - This is sure to be an Oprah's Book Club Book. I haven't even started it yet as a friend just loaned it to me but with this whole life in transition thing going on, I wanted to give this book a try.

2. Stages of Faith by James W. Fowler. - I'm taking a developmental psych class on adolescents and faith development is never talked about. I have to write a 5 to 7 pg. paper and I'm rereading some of this book for class.

3. The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman. - I heard that this book is anti-God (as stated by the book's author) so I'm reading it to see what an extreme atheist's perspective is. I find that the traditional concept of God and Jesus that the Church has constructed should be challenged and who better to challenge then someone who does not believe at all! However, as I am not trying to convince atheists to believe in God, I would like the same courtesy.

4. The Other Boleyn Girl by Phillipa Gregory. - I need some real fluff, right?

5. The Bible. - For a project

My Son's favorite words

I don't know that Tomas knows exactly what he's saying. He's a talker though!

1. Tope.

Tope is a game that we play where I say "tope, tope, tope..." and we bump heads and try to give each other concussions.

2. Mama

He does not know what this means. I assume it will stop being cute once he does figure out he can pretty much get me to do anything every time he says it.

3. Papa

I don't know why he says this other than a lot of the words I've been trying to teach him begin with "Pa".

4. Teta

Teta means breast in spanish. Teta means milk for Tomas. And I NEVER BREASTFED.

5. "A-du"

It either means "salud" (spanish version of bless you, when someone sneezes) or gracias (which means thank you in spanish). Maybe he uses them interchangeably.

Tomas is starting to repeat words more and more, not understandably most of the time but I'm sure that will change. I've been told I need to stop cursing in front of him. (Shit.)

My Guilty Pleasures

I have many guilty pleasures... and I will reveal them all to you right now...

1. Romance novels
I rarely read these anymore but I use to be an addict. I would read through one in 3 or 4 hours and I would re-read them whenever I couldn't afford to buy new books. I LOVED romance novels. These days, I find myself not as compulsive and not needing them quite as much.

2. Reality TV
I watch America's Next Top Model. I sometimes will go online to watch The Hills (which is NOT really REALITY!!). I am a huge fan of The Biggest Loser. I even sometimes get teary eyed watching Extreme Home Makeover. Mind you, those are tears of envy.

3. ... And sappy TV Drama...
Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl. Yes, I know. I watch too much TV. I also watch the L word on Netflix. I'm a girl. So sue me.

4. I learned Crank that Soldja' (sp?) Boy.
Enough said. - I am such a (not black) girl- If you have to look this up because you don't know what it is, you are too.

Isn't this enough exposure for one day?

Am I crazy or what?

That distinct pause

There is a pause that I have learned to recognize. It is a pause of shame, of embarrassment, of uncertainty, because you don't know how everyone will react.
There is a pause when you wonder, "Should I trust that this will not be used against me?" When you wonder, "Should I trust?"
There is a pause and a trepidation when you begin to utter something that does not define you, but it does sometimes and you cannot completely let go and sometimes it comes back again, and again, and again.
There is a pause because you wonder how others will define you when they know and you wonder, "Who will I be once I say it?"
There is a pause and a shame and a blush and a hope that this time you won't cry or that you will cry or that you will do something because back then, you did nothing or you did everything and none of it mattered.
There is a pause because once you say it is real and you can't take it back and I'm not ready for it to be real just yet.

Why I moved...

Because I don't like it when my mother reads my blog. And my previous blogger profiles contained my frequently used initials, and my mother being the snoop that she is found it. Because I'm an idiot. So no one initial or link to me for now!! I do not wish to be found by any one but those who already "know" me.